Another lone wolf crying for help? Are we listening?
& what happens when so-called Christians call Jesus's teachings "weak"
Hey fam,
I'm having a time putting thoughts into words because I’m all the feels right now. And because I literally just wrote about this.
See, I’m raising a boy, but I’m not the only one raising him.
As a cultural anthropologist, I’m interested in how human ecosystems shape us. Why are young men in this country so violent? Because we are all connected, we’re all raising our boys and girls.
What drove Thomas Matthew Crooks to try to assassinate Donald Trump? We know little, but reports came out that he was “bullied daily.” Bullies become bullies because they get bullied. How do we get the snake to stop eating its own tail?
My therapist says we can only heal from trauma when someone else sees, hears, and sits with us in our suffering. After all, the root of compassion is to suffer with.
Anglo-American boys don’t have that. We’re raising a culture of “lone wolves” with few ears and eyes to hold their feelings. Boys are supposed to be strong and tough. Feelings demonstrate weakness. Weakness leads to bullying.
Sports can be an outlet, but not all boys are born “winners.” Many more will have access to violent niches on the interwebs and guns.
Trump’s attempted assassin was a young man; his dad bought the gun. Girls attempt suicide at twice the rate of boys, but boys are much more successful because they have more access to guns.
When love is considered “weak”
In an interview with NPR, Evangelical Christian leader Russell Moore said multiple pastors described stories about their congregants being upset after reading from the “Sermon on the Mount,” in which Jesus espoused the principles of forgiveness and mercy central to Christian doctrine.
When the pastors replied, ‘I’m literally quoting Jesus Christ,’ the response was, ‘Yes, but that doesn’t work anymore. That’s weak.’”
If CRINOs (Christians in name only) are telling pastors that Jesus’ teachings are weak, how do we teach our boys to choose love?
“The roots of the political problem really come down to disconnection, loneliness, and a sense of alienation,” Moore adds.
Can we teach boys that there is safety and strength in vulnerability, as demonstrated by this NPR article about men on oil rigs who were safer after learning to open up emotionally?
Can we teach grace in paradox?
bell hooks once wrote, “The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.”
Kurt Vonnegut adds, “For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes. But, often with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And, of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the sermon on the mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere. ‘Blessed are the merciful.’ In a courtroom? ‘Blessed are the peacemakers’ in the Pentagon? Give me a break!”
Can we teach our boys that powerlessness breeds peace, as Jesus stated in the Beatitudes? And how?
Like it or not, we are all raising each other’s kids. The messages boys get from their parents are the same ones my son receives.
Thank you in advance for teaching them love, compassion, and the power of vulnerability, mercy, and humility. And please share this with everyone you know and smash the heart so more people can see it.
If you can, consider becoming a paid subscriber so I can keep digging for truth, connecting behaviors and values that no longer serve us, and offering new ones that do. It’s $4/mo when you sign up for the year.
Nuff love,
Summer
I’m the grandma of a little boy. He is 2 1/2. My heart is so full of love for him. I want to be there for him, to listen, love, counsel, encourage beatitude understanding, spiritual fruits, seeing people from different perspectives, walking a mile in someone else’s shoes before we judge.
I have a granddaughter who is 1 1/2. When she came along, my heart immediately expanded with another miraculous gush of compassion, care, love. I want to be there for her. I want to listen, love, counsel, encourage beautitude understanding of us and others. I want to help her find and nurture the fruits of the spirit.
Where are the grandparents? We have an amazing and special role. I am only 5 minutes away from these grands. I am blessed to come and play with them, care for them, share stories with them, and hear their stories.
If you are blessed to be a grand. Do not hide behind a scrolling cell phone. If you are close, get closer and go listen. Don’t judge, listen for the children’s hearts. Your heart knows the way. If your u are far away, you are still a phone call or FaceTime away. Check in. Listen. Love.
If you are judgmental toward your kids, reconsider. Maybe you have broken relationships, and that brokenness is being reflected in your kids and grands. Step back. Seek help finding a way to honestly observe. You see, you had a hand in it. You have to see that. You have to acknowledge that. You have to lay it down. You have to find another way.
We have hard work to do if we are going to honestly help our lonely, frightened children. Grandfolks, we can play a role. I know this is hard. I know it because I had to imperfectly step into this messy process of laying down judgement, learning to listen, learning to love. I’m still in it. It goes backwards into your relationships with your parents and the thoughts you brought forward. It goes forward into how you love your spouse, how you love your kids, how you love your grands, how you love your friends and neighbors.
Our hearts have amazing capabilities. They are full of bullet holes, scars, leaks. And yet, they are capable of mending, expanding, changing, growing. But we can’t deny the state of our hearts and expect others to change to fit our ideas and needs. We have to do the work of seeing what scarred us. Seeing where we have holes that need to mend. Seek help in the mending. Seek spiritual help, mental help, physical help. We heal in community, not in isolation.
Keep your eye on the prize. We do this for the children. The one and two year olds who are fresh and full of all emotions. But we hold space and open arms for the older ones too. Who else can help them navigate their woundedness?
Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on the children, don’t give up on the community. 💔❤️🩹❤️
Interesting as usual Summer. I once was a bullied sensitive child. Then I became a bully. There were lots of dark reasons for that.
I never cried out for help, because I was told, therefore it was so, that men don’t cry. Then I became a man, a soldier, a spouse, a parent, and a cop, in that order.
In my forties, I realized that my life and parenting were a parody of Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle song. My boys were just like me. And I was just like who raised me.
It took a lot of time introspection and stop & start effort (and some counseling) to drop the facade. It occurred to me once, maybe more than once, that men do cry. Usually alone. And that that’s alright.
I made my apologies to whomever I needed to apologize to. I broke a generational cycle. It is a wobbly wheeled cart, but it works and we rode it out of the chaos. Life still gets in the way and we are far from perfect, but I am friends with my adult children. I respect myself. I know who and what I am. It took a long time.
Some of the best counseling was free to me, just like it is free to men in foxholes, or struggling moms over coffee and cigarettes. It took place in dark patrol cars in the middle of the night as the miles clicked by. A trusted partner, male or female, whom you might die with or for at any moment, becomes a true friend. You bare your souls to one another in between calls. You bond for life. You are closer to a good partner, a battle buddy, or that tortured other struggling mom than to your spouse. And what a rare thing that is. It is unknown to most of the lone wolves who cry for help. That is a sad thing. I fear for us.