Evil Overlord Playbook for Dummies

DIY: How to Authoritarian

Hola familia,

Today’s newsletter was going to be about being happier via communal living minus the sex cult part, but holy plot twist Batman, this week had other plans.

“Happiness” is a shallow comfort when people are worried they could next in line for The Purge. As if January weren’t already long enough!

The urge to go feral is undeniable.

Source: Mother Tongue Magazine

But going feral is a privilege not afforded to most, so I will respond the way I know how — with piss’nvinegar and nature metaphors.

Like Valerie Carzello wrote on Threads:

Yes, I used to post pretty pictures of Vermont and cooking and gardens but come the fuck on, wake up. I will still do those posts, but we need to pivot. You want nice things we have to fight for them now. Then I’ll post more flowers.

Everything. Is. Political.

Case in point: Tuesday I wanted to testify at the local educational committee hearing about why we need to raise the base student allocation (BSA) but couldn’t because I’m homeschooling my daughter —> due to a lack of support in schools —> due to a lack of funding.

me RN

My students are nervously carrying around their IDs now. My friends are scared to lose their jobs. Politics affects all of us.

Thus, my partner in crime, Donnie Gott, and I whipped this up for you…

DIY: the evil overlord playbook for dummies

1. Close your eyes and point to a prominent, arbitrary landmark. Rename it to something more American, like McKinley, or the Gulf of America, or better yet, CARVE YOUR FACE INTO IT to distract from the fact that you have surreptitiously raised the cost of prescription drugs.

2. KISS principle: Keep It Simple, Stupid. As in the messaging.

   Antichrist. Devil. Illegals. Cost of eggs. They’re eating the pets. Covfefe.

   Use simple monosyllabic slogans like LOCK HER UP and STOP THE STEAL. It has to be intelligible while shouting DRAIN THE SWAMP in a rally to drown out the fact that a billionaire class who owns every form of how we communicate now controls our government.

3. You need to get the message out that ICE is raiding workplaces to root out freeloaders so Americans can finally pick their own fruits and vegetables in the blazing sun for $5 an hour. But how?

   Employ blonde hair, short skirts, and enough leg to distract from the fact that you are now racially profiling Indigenous Americans to deport them to Guantanamo.

   

4. Set up a fascist-lite site where federal employees can snitch on DEI workers or apologists/ sympathizers. This will shock, awe, and terrify just enough to casually roll back 65 years of civil rights progress by revoking an anti-discrimination hiring rule.

5. Pro tip: Americans love movies. What do movies have? Bad guys.

   Assign a bad guy. Call the bad guy Wokeness.

   Massive L.A. fires making you look weak? Use them to your advantage:

   L.A. is on fire. L.A. is woke.

   Make the connection as binary as your definition of gender. Wokeness created the fires!

   (If anyone mentions that New Orleans has had more snowfall than Alaska, distract by taking away free lunches for poor kids.)

6. Americans love a superhero. Turn your skin the color of American cheese. Spray Cheeze Whiz all over your head and call it a comb-over. Voila! You’re an American superhero.

7. Americans love football. Be the alpha. Invade Greenland. Grab the Panama Canal by the pussy!

8. Show me you’re a dick without showing me your dick. Cruelty, both pointed and arbitrary, will bring masculinity back to America. Lethality, Lethality, Lethality!

   

If you do all these things, you can probably take over the world.

And if all else fails, become a sexual predator.

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I have to do capitalism, and you need comedic relief. Let’s make this a mutually symbiotic relationship. Upgrade for $4/mo when you sign up for the year, and we’ll fight this thing together.

<3 Summer

Source unknown

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