Household appliance erotica
The dirtier, the better
Friends, I’m telling a story tonight at Juneau’s first-ever Smutrooms! Smutrooms is the smutty version of Mudrooms, a Juneau-based storytelling event modeled after The Moth.
If you’re in town, come down to the Crystal Saloon and listen to six storytellers tell some smutty stories. The theme is Seven Deadly Sins, and all proceeds from the $10 cover charge go to the Juneau Birth Center —appropriately.
In honor of Smutrooms, I am sharing some appliance erotica I conceived during the pandemic (obviously) that originally ran on Slackjaw.
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Summer
Steve
Steve eyes his custom Wittus Shaker wood stove sweating by the sheepskin rug.
“You want some of this?” he coos, waving a big, thick stack of invoices.
With gentle, strong hands he opens the hatch and penetrates its feverish body with chiropractic bills, then watches with satisfaction as flames lick the papers.
The stove looks on as Steve splits a stick of kindling and plays out his lumberjack fantasy. As the fire smolders, Steve slides in his long-lasting log.
Every day after work, he feeds its insatiable appetite for wood, then muses about the neighbors who still pay to heat their homes. Nothing makes his nipples hard quite like a $20 electrical bill.
Stacy
Stacy slowly unzips the back of her dress and slips inside the shower’s hydroacoustic, tiled walls. Its watery fingers run over her, exploring her hidden valleys, washing away Stacy’s pent-up frustration and most of her skin.
“I’ve been a bad girl,” Stacy says to her shower. “I threw the printer out the bedroom window.”
Shhhhh, the shower says back.
Stacy twists the knob to increase the pressure. The shower submits, blistering Stacy’s skin until it drowns out the voice in her head wondering how she will print off Bryce’s math worksheets.
Randy
Randy yanks the new vacuum around the corner to see how it handles. The cord does not prematurely eject from the outlet, but elongates, wrapping itself around Randy’s legs. Nothing rolls Randy’s Yahtzee! like not having to unplug and move outlets every few minutes.
Randy and the vacuum experiment with new positions, even playing out Randy’s spinning donuts fantasy. At one point, he gyrates the vacuum around 180 degrees and accidentally ties himself to the side table.
Feeling frisky, Randy straps some accessories onto its frame and is delighted when the vacuum discovers hidden spots that Randy had forgotten about. Places he didn’t even know existed! Like the crack between the counter and stove where the kids once dropped macaroni. Even the space under the baseboard heaters sparkles as if touched for the very first time.
June
June knows she should eat more eggs, so she bought a new egg cooker. But today, she is not in the mood for eggs.
June fills the cooker with water past the cut-off line. The cooker shuts off automatically and refuses to restart.
“Well, that’s that!” June loves a device that can draw clear boundaries.
Dana
Dana unfastens the latch and nudges open the sweaty jaws of her dishwasher. It’s always hungry for more — the dirtier, the better. She touches its magic button until it purrs in a hot, wet frenzy. The only kind of heat that can put Dana’s cutlery to bed sparkling and dewy, and make you forget about the four loads of laundry to fold and two months of overdue credit card statements.
Nothing zaps away a long, hard day and dried oatmeal quite like the dishwasher. Sure, she could wash her own dishes, but the dishwasher takes its sweet time, 112 minutes to be exact!
While the dishwasher polishes her cups, Dana calls both her sister and the refi guy in Atlanta, steeping in the momentary satisfaction of feeling in complete control of her life.
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That’s all! See you next week!
~Summer
Every one of those was amazing, Summer. I didn’t know what my reading life was missing!
this was so fun. appliance porn! i love the way your mind creates!!! and now when my washing machine plays its little tune at the end of the cycle, i'll assume it is "satisfied" after caressing, spinning and rinsing my undies. ;)