It must be the full moon because I was crying on my bathroom floor last night and then in bed by 8pm. My son (12) woke me up at 10:30pm (when the wifi goes off) so I could put him to bed. I was so cranky and mean, but I did get up and tuck him in. I'm so fucking tired, sometimes I wonder if the last three years have been a dream.
Summer... you wrote this on the day of the Pisces eclipse! Of course you were in the feels in a deep way. This eclipse was particularly feely and particularly overwhelming in it's openness to the cosmos. You could have been feeling all the feels of your whole community. I'm in the midst of moving and for me, the eclipse brought a huge release, but it wasn't the cry it out kind. This one had more to do with my guts and I won't go into detail, but one of the things about eclipses is that we can see them as plot twists that somehow realign us. Maybe we've lost track of something important or we've suppressed our feelings or we've become to independant and the shit hits the fan in such a way that we have to stop and feel or ask for help or whatever. In any case, I better get back to my boxes. I hope your eclipse meltdown brings new energy or vision into some part of your life soon. Eclipses have longer lifespans than ordinary full moons. For lunar eclipses we say about six months. Hang in there... you're wonderful.
Wow Camille this is really eye opening and everything you say is so true! The eclipse was a HUGE release! I actually feel 100% better after letting myself wallow in the dung, and you're right, is has brought about a new jolt of energy! I thought it was the fall darkness, but it's more than that... like you said cosmic. It's amazing how many things are beyond our control we can't even see...
This was a very helpful perspective, Camille. Had no idea of the astrological significance of this time (but should have, especially as a Pisces). Good luck with your move.
I am currently steeping in the shittiest of shit teas as my spouse lies dying and I can only sit and pre grieve and know that I was a wildly imperfect husband who loved her less than she deserves. But she knows she was loved and that I am here and that nothing matters. I finally know that too.
Thank you for writing this. I stole the discomfort is a portal meme and I like the photo of you dangling from a vine very much.
Oh Robert. This makes me so sad. I’m really sorry about your wife. I just had a vision of all of us standing around you comforting your wife and holding you in your pain right now. Know that I am with you. We all are. ❤️
"Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could sit with their feelings until they arrived at some revelation or epiphany, rather than all constipated? In all our brilliance, we’ve put supercomputers into our pockets that solve all our problems while creating bigger, insidious ones we don’t even see."
YES PLEASE. Have you ever watched the show or read the books called "Stillwater"? My son once told me that emotions are just energy moving through you. He was four. For a second I was like WTF? I asked him how he knew that and he said Stillwater....
I loved this whole essay. Thank you for writing it.
Wow! How insightful of your son! Kids really are geniuses if we just let them be so. Thank you for telling me about Stillwater. I’m gonna look that up now! Even better if it’s something I can watch with my kids as that seems to be the only thing I can consume on TV these days lol . I Go to bed at the same time as my kids cause I’m always so tired! Thank you for your comment 💕
You are right. Kids are actually GENIUSES. All of them. Sometimes its just so hard to hear what they want us to know...and then sometimes its just what we need to hear...
And, yes! I really hope you love Stillwater. Its slow and beautiful and the messages are so much of what we need in the world right now (I think).
I am new to your substack but LOVING it. Thank you for sharing all of these essays.
Wow! I so admire your vulnerability and your humor, as well as your wisdom. Your advice here with all of its graphic shit tea, moves me. This is why I recommend you to my students!
Wow. What an amazing read. Your work not only has a profound resonance to me, you also provide a really important piece of social/cultural/anthropological observation of our country that I hardly see anyone else making.
I also appreciate you from the parental perspective. Seeing you live in a way that incorporates your anti-capitalist, human-centered values into your child-rearing, and the details you choose to reveal about your children demonstrate, to an extent, that you still just...get the kid you made, as they are. And that's beautiful.
Oh Carly, what a beautiful and generous thing to say thank you so much! And I’m so embarrassed that I’m just now responding to this. Sometimes my favorite comments I just let them soak in and marinate before I respond and this one I think I let marinate too long! Thank you for seeing and commenting , and thank you for what you witness, as that means that you see that in yourself as well, or at least look for it 💕
Oh, no. It's ok. I didn't need you to reply. I just really wanted you to know all that. The part that I was most like "holy shit, yes", and I didn't actually specifically mention it, was "steeping in shit tea"—because I've done that my whole life, of my own accord, without applying such an eloquently worded spin to the concept (I'm not even joking, it is the most perfect description).
I have been appreciative of the after effects as an adult, but I'm not self-congratulating here. I always thought having done that made me strong but extra weird and alone. Because it's pretty shitty, to just sit inside your own angst and to confront basic, possibly unsavory truths about yourself instead of brushing them away or keeping them at bay or completely denying them. What I had unchallengedly thought before reading this essay of yours was that people seemed to be getting by ok without having done any of that steeping, so I was the sucker for having subjected myself to such a deep, dark investigation of my soul when it didn't seem to be necessary. So, thank you for that, too.
I did feel validated in my parenting because I have goals of teaching my kids about how capitalism is a system not an inevitable way of life, and about patriarchy, and equity and justice, and I feel fear and horror that they may learn all that stuff from me and still not care at all.
thank you for the raw honesty of this. so many gems of wisdom. there should be a time of community keening for moms/parents. but more importantly, as you have so often shared with precision and passion, the old ways of capitalism and patriarchy need to die away and new ways need to emerge. the system is fallow and shallow.
like you, i welcome the monsters, even if with one eye closed at times.
My shit tea is pretty murky. Sometimes like a an over fermented kombucha that’s become a breeding ground for flies. I know, eew. I do find myself stewing in it and then I’ll come up for a breathe.
I’m water too. Pisces cancer. I think shot tea just runs in my veins. Thank you for putting into perfect words. I laughed and I cried on this morning when I can’t get out of bed. Love you
That description is so visceral and perfect and shitty and also poetry. Shit tea runs in your veins, ha! I FEEL THIS! And I totally feel you when you can't even get out of bed... that is REAL. Love you, too
I hear you, sister. Can barely function today. Pisces/Gemini: I feel everything, and need to communicate it, but Summer does it so amazingly well so I don’t have to.
There's so many feelings I choose to not sit in as an adult! But reading this, I feel like I should. I know I should. And if kids can do it, I can do it!
Loved the wit in this one. And it definitely is Maybelline :)
I adore your honesty and love your razor-sharp wit.
I can so relate to those days which are so overwhelming that I just lose my shit.......but then after expressing and feeling my true emotions, I do feel better.......more calm.
It must be the full moon because I was crying on my bathroom floor last night and then in bed by 8pm. My son (12) woke me up at 10:30pm (when the wifi goes off) so I could put him to bed. I was so cranky and mean, but I did get up and tuck him in. I'm so fucking tired, sometimes I wonder if the last three years have been a dream.
I am THERE. Damn moons. Sending hugs xo
Informative
Summer... you wrote this on the day of the Pisces eclipse! Of course you were in the feels in a deep way. This eclipse was particularly feely and particularly overwhelming in it's openness to the cosmos. You could have been feeling all the feels of your whole community. I'm in the midst of moving and for me, the eclipse brought a huge release, but it wasn't the cry it out kind. This one had more to do with my guts and I won't go into detail, but one of the things about eclipses is that we can see them as plot twists that somehow realign us. Maybe we've lost track of something important or we've suppressed our feelings or we've become to independant and the shit hits the fan in such a way that we have to stop and feel or ask for help or whatever. In any case, I better get back to my boxes. I hope your eclipse meltdown brings new energy or vision into some part of your life soon. Eclipses have longer lifespans than ordinary full moons. For lunar eclipses we say about six months. Hang in there... you're wonderful.
Wow Camille this is really eye opening and everything you say is so true! The eclipse was a HUGE release! I actually feel 100% better after letting myself wallow in the dung, and you're right, is has brought about a new jolt of energy! I thought it was the fall darkness, but it's more than that... like you said cosmic. It's amazing how many things are beyond our control we can't even see...
Also, "feeling all the feels of your whole community." ALL THE TIME
This was a very helpful perspective, Camille. Had no idea of the astrological significance of this time (but should have, especially as a Pisces). Good luck with your move.
Thank you Erin! I love Pisces people. My son is a Pisces…
I am currently steeping in the shittiest of shit teas as my spouse lies dying and I can only sit and pre grieve and know that I was a wildly imperfect husband who loved her less than she deserves. But she knows she was loved and that I am here and that nothing matters. I finally know that too.
Thank you for writing this. I stole the discomfort is a portal meme and I like the photo of you dangling from a vine very much.
Oh Robert. This makes me so sad. I’m really sorry about your wife. I just had a vision of all of us standing around you comforting your wife and holding you in your pain right now. Know that I am with you. We all are. ❤️
"Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could sit with their feelings until they arrived at some revelation or epiphany, rather than all constipated? In all our brilliance, we’ve put supercomputers into our pockets that solve all our problems while creating bigger, insidious ones we don’t even see."
YES PLEASE. Have you ever watched the show or read the books called "Stillwater"? My son once told me that emotions are just energy moving through you. He was four. For a second I was like WTF? I asked him how he knew that and he said Stillwater....
I loved this whole essay. Thank you for writing it.
Wow! How insightful of your son! Kids really are geniuses if we just let them be so. Thank you for telling me about Stillwater. I’m gonna look that up now! Even better if it’s something I can watch with my kids as that seems to be the only thing I can consume on TV these days lol . I Go to bed at the same time as my kids cause I’m always so tired! Thank you for your comment 💕
You are right. Kids are actually GENIUSES. All of them. Sometimes its just so hard to hear what they want us to know...and then sometimes its just what we need to hear...
And, yes! I really hope you love Stillwater. Its slow and beautiful and the messages are so much of what we need in the world right now (I think).
I am new to your substack but LOVING it. Thank you for sharing all of these essays.
Wow! I so admire your vulnerability and your humor, as well as your wisdom. Your advice here with all of its graphic shit tea, moves me. This is why I recommend you to my students!
Thanks so much as always Heather! 💕
Your shit tea is the brilliant rant I needed!
Haha glad it helped!
I like your honesty and the important message to 'sit with our feelings'.
Thanks Lee 😊
Loved this. It's amazingly difficult to 'just ' sit with your feelings.
Yes 🙏 💕
Thank you 💖
Wow. What an amazing read. Your work not only has a profound resonance to me, you also provide a really important piece of social/cultural/anthropological observation of our country that I hardly see anyone else making.
I also appreciate you from the parental perspective. Seeing you live in a way that incorporates your anti-capitalist, human-centered values into your child-rearing, and the details you choose to reveal about your children demonstrate, to an extent, that you still just...get the kid you made, as they are. And that's beautiful.
Oh Carly, what a beautiful and generous thing to say thank you so much! And I’m so embarrassed that I’m just now responding to this. Sometimes my favorite comments I just let them soak in and marinate before I respond and this one I think I let marinate too long! Thank you for seeing and commenting , and thank you for what you witness, as that means that you see that in yourself as well, or at least look for it 💕
Oh, no. It's ok. I didn't need you to reply. I just really wanted you to know all that. The part that I was most like "holy shit, yes", and I didn't actually specifically mention it, was "steeping in shit tea"—because I've done that my whole life, of my own accord, without applying such an eloquently worded spin to the concept (I'm not even joking, it is the most perfect description).
I have been appreciative of the after effects as an adult, but I'm not self-congratulating here. I always thought having done that made me strong but extra weird and alone. Because it's pretty shitty, to just sit inside your own angst and to confront basic, possibly unsavory truths about yourself instead of brushing them away or keeping them at bay or completely denying them. What I had unchallengedly thought before reading this essay of yours was that people seemed to be getting by ok without having done any of that steeping, so I was the sucker for having subjected myself to such a deep, dark investigation of my soul when it didn't seem to be necessary. So, thank you for that, too.
I did feel validated in my parenting because I have goals of teaching my kids about how capitalism is a system not an inevitable way of life, and about patriarchy, and equity and justice, and I feel fear and horror that they may learn all that stuff from me and still not care at all.
thank you for the raw honesty of this. so many gems of wisdom. there should be a time of community keening for moms/parents. but more importantly, as you have so often shared with precision and passion, the old ways of capitalism and patriarchy need to die away and new ways need to emerge. the system is fallow and shallow.
like you, i welcome the monsters, even if with one eye closed at times.
please please take tender care. love you.
And yes, everything you say 💯
Thank you, Anne! Always so good to hear from you 💛
My shit tea is pretty murky. Sometimes like a an over fermented kombucha that’s become a breeding ground for flies. I know, eew. I do find myself stewing in it and then I’ll come up for a breathe.
I’m water too. Pisces cancer. I think shot tea just runs in my veins. Thank you for putting into perfect words. I laughed and I cried on this morning when I can’t get out of bed. Love you
That description is so visceral and perfect and shitty and also poetry. Shit tea runs in your veins, ha! I FEEL THIS! And I totally feel you when you can't even get out of bed... that is REAL. Love you, too
I hear you, sister. Can barely function today. Pisces/Gemini: I feel everything, and need to communicate it, but Summer does it so amazingly well so I don’t have to.
<3 <3 <3
That’s a dynamic duo squared, Erin. No funny punny on the duos in those signs. I was just looking back and rereading.
There's so many feelings I choose to not sit in as an adult! But reading this, I feel like I should. I know I should. And if kids can do it, I can do it!
Loved the wit in this one. And it definitely is Maybelline :)
Thanks Istiaq!
Ah yes. Just when we think we have our shit together, along comes parenting. Joining you in a nice cup of tea. 💩
Ha! It’s true. I totally had my shit together until the kids came along! Cheers!
This is wild. I may never be able to drink tea again, but that’s a small price to pay for reading your shit storm turned into humor.
Mwahaha 🫖 💩
I adore your honesty and love your razor-sharp wit.
I can so relate to those days which are so overwhelming that I just lose my shit.......but then after expressing and feeling my true emotions, I do feel better.......more calm.
And thank you, Victoria!
Right?! It’s important. We need to beat our breast and take time to grieve!