This hits. For me, the raised daughter-son, my father and every male I grew up next to. We are a military family. Oh the military. I feel it has its own level of responsibility in creating this paradigm where the Tater Tots of the world thrive over the compassionate male who gets beat up and called a “pussy.”
The boys need help. The girls do too but the little men of this world are drowning in machismo with nowhere and no one to turn to. Or they’re just taught not to. Fear of shame.
At the end of the day, growing up in a specific environment may have the biggest influence on whether or not some boy shoots up a school or becomes a pimp or just a privileged Ivy League rapist.
Or is it all a choice?
Can boys choose compassion over competition and “winning?”
Thank you, PP! Yeah, the military is all about that, I'd imagine, since it's centered around war. I agree, they're in part responsible, alongside colonization and all that s---. You pose great questions. Can they make that choice? I guess it's a privilege to make that choice. I'm reading a memoir about a Black man growing up poor in Philly and he did not have that choice. Got beat up every day because he acted too "gay," because he was more soft and gentle and nonviolent. It's a really hard real, but it's really good. Won lots of awards. We're reading it for our Memoiring book club, if you're interested! SINK, by Joseph Earl Johnson.
I absolutely want to read this book!!! Philly is one of my towns and I bet I can connect with him on that level of soft sensitivity that had to harden for survival. Thank you for the recommendation 🙏🏽💜🍑
Precisely why I’m here. Mom of four boys. We have such an opportunity with this generation. We have more language about emotion, sensitivity, nurture, patriarchy and toxic masculinity than ever. All the stuff is on the table—and just like on the ball fields—they are listening. We need to use this language carefully and deliberately, as you are. We need to make the teachers and the coaches and the mothers and the fathers speak with love and strength and nurture. We’ll get there. I do believe we will. My deepest deepest thanks.
First: Your kids are very blessed to have a deeply thoughtful, loving Mom.
You have really studied the problem thoroughly. I am aware (as a 76-year-old man) of the "incels" and the misogyny. Hard to understand, because my life is so beautiful and happy with the women in my life, chiefly the woman I have loved for 53 years, Nancy.
Mother Nature did NOT make me to be anything other than an intellectual, a loving husband, a Dad, a grandfather. The hormones alone guaranteed I would live my whole life with a woman. Nancy and I are a love-match and symbiotic.
I have dealt with a young 21-year-old boy who hears and watches some of this misogyny.
There is a similar phenomenon with white racists recruiting young, angry men.
So much is poisonous in our society.
Thank you, thank you for being there with your beautiful kids.
It's so true. Seems like the same reasons boys/men go to dark interwebs is precisely because of the loneliness. There they find community, their tribe, people who speak to them, seem to see them. That's why people become radicalized. Looking for belonging, for love, acceptance.
Our two boys were mid-teenagers during covid. We factor that into how they are now, as it's had a lasting effect in terms of their sociability. I believe in them though, as independent, thoughtful humans first. Our parenting isn't a paradigm of anything. But, I like to think of it as being gardeners in temporary charge of a wild garden, keeping any eye out for invasive species, only pruning to allow for healthy growth, providing some kind of support when a plant or tree in the garden needs it. Bonsai? NO!!! Topiary? NO!!!
I'm with you. I try to help my kiddo turn toward the light, feed and water him, and let him do his thing, while trying to do no harm. Prune here and there, too, like you say. OF course, I'm not always successful. But I agree with your approach. And yeah, Covid lockdown for two years without socialization and school during my kids' formative years really affected them, probably for life. They're definitely more feral now. Then again, maybe that's a good thing, lol.
And the mom finds herself feeling her son's emotions for him. And its...a lot. Thank you this post packed with truth, insight and inspiration for shifting the script for the next generation of men.
Oh, that is such a good point! "The mom finds herself feeling her son's emotions for him." That is the crux of the emotional labor, isn't it? We feel it when they won't allow themselves to. Also explains generational trauma.
Isn't it funny how if society loudly sends the message that men are disposable and are a threat to everyone around them, they actually become that starting as boys? Go figure. Thank you, feminism.
Having raised a son in NYC with emotional challenges was a huge challenge for me and my wife. Thankfully, we got through it. But it was not easy. Your article nails it on many levels. Boys do cry, but sometimes we don’t hear them.
Yes. Very true. My son cries but only if he's behind his door and he won't let us in. Won't let us see him or tell us what's wrong. Glad you got through it.
Summer, it sounds like you really have your head around all the boy stuff, and you are doing all that you can - that he’ll allow you in on - to steer him in good directions. I think you’ll succeed in making sure he gets everything he needs from his mom. He’s blessed to have you, and ultimately he’ll recognize that. I was the oldest of four, so on my own a lot while she was busy with my siblings, but she managed to instill core values and made sure I had good resources. Funny, I did all the sports stuff up through Jr. year in HS, then joined the “Theater Freaks” for my Sr. year, and that really helped me get out there socially just before leaving home for college and beyond.
Again, thank you Summer. Working alongside boys and young men in the care system and this resonates so powerfully. Tater tot (hilarious!!!) is troublingly influential here in the UK, too. Permission to share your essay in upcoming 'Men in Foster Care' sessions, please?
This hits. For me, the raised daughter-son, my father and every male I grew up next to. We are a military family. Oh the military. I feel it has its own level of responsibility in creating this paradigm where the Tater Tots of the world thrive over the compassionate male who gets beat up and called a “pussy.”
The boys need help. The girls do too but the little men of this world are drowning in machismo with nowhere and no one to turn to. Or they’re just taught not to. Fear of shame.
At the end of the day, growing up in a specific environment may have the biggest influence on whether or not some boy shoots up a school or becomes a pimp or just a privileged Ivy League rapist.
Or is it all a choice?
Can boys choose compassion over competition and “winning?”
Damnit Summer you got me thinking again 🤓
Thank you for your work that moves us so 🙏🏽💜🍑
Thank you, PP! Yeah, the military is all about that, I'd imagine, since it's centered around war. I agree, they're in part responsible, alongside colonization and all that s---. You pose great questions. Can they make that choice? I guess it's a privilege to make that choice. I'm reading a memoir about a Black man growing up poor in Philly and he did not have that choice. Got beat up every day because he acted too "gay," because he was more soft and gentle and nonviolent. It's a really hard real, but it's really good. Won lots of awards. We're reading it for our Memoiring book club, if you're interested! SINK, by Joseph Earl Johnson.
I absolutely want to read this book!!! Philly is one of my towns and I bet I can connect with him on that level of soft sensitivity that had to harden for survival. Thank you for the recommendation 🙏🏽💜🍑
And in case you’re interested in joining the Memoiring bookclub, it’s free and open to anyone who reads memoir. We’re zooming with the author tomorrow! https://open.substack.com/pub/memoiring?r=1hkuyf&utm_medium=ios
This is awesome thank you for the invite!! I’ll check it out if I’m not pushing out this 9# baby 🤣
Oh man, then you are going to love this book. Well, love and be shattered. It’s heartbreaking 💔
Precisely why I’m here. Mom of four boys. We have such an opportunity with this generation. We have more language about emotion, sensitivity, nurture, patriarchy and toxic masculinity than ever. All the stuff is on the table—and just like on the ball fields—they are listening. We need to use this language carefully and deliberately, as you are. We need to make the teachers and the coaches and the mothers and the fathers speak with love and strength and nurture. We’ll get there. I do believe we will. My deepest deepest thanks.
Thank you so much, Isabel! I have faith we will get there, too!
Summer Koester: Whew, where to begin.
First: Your kids are very blessed to have a deeply thoughtful, loving Mom.
You have really studied the problem thoroughly. I am aware (as a 76-year-old man) of the "incels" and the misogyny. Hard to understand, because my life is so beautiful and happy with the women in my life, chiefly the woman I have loved for 53 years, Nancy.
Mother Nature did NOT make me to be anything other than an intellectual, a loving husband, a Dad, a grandfather. The hormones alone guaranteed I would live my whole life with a woman. Nancy and I are a love-match and symbiotic.
I have dealt with a young 21-year-old boy who hears and watches some of this misogyny.
There is a similar phenomenon with white racists recruiting young, angry men.
So much is poisonous in our society.
Thank you, thank you for being there with your beautiful kids.
It's so true. Seems like the same reasons boys/men go to dark interwebs is precisely because of the loneliness. There they find community, their tribe, people who speak to them, seem to see them. That's why people become radicalized. Looking for belonging, for love, acceptance.
Our two boys were mid-teenagers during covid. We factor that into how they are now, as it's had a lasting effect in terms of their sociability. I believe in them though, as independent, thoughtful humans first. Our parenting isn't a paradigm of anything. But, I like to think of it as being gardeners in temporary charge of a wild garden, keeping any eye out for invasive species, only pruning to allow for healthy growth, providing some kind of support when a plant or tree in the garden needs it. Bonsai? NO!!! Topiary? NO!!!
I'm with you. I try to help my kiddo turn toward the light, feed and water him, and let him do his thing, while trying to do no harm. Prune here and there, too, like you say. OF course, I'm not always successful. But I agree with your approach. And yeah, Covid lockdown for two years without socialization and school during my kids' formative years really affected them, probably for life. They're definitely more feral now. Then again, maybe that's a good thing, lol.
And the mom finds herself feeling her son's emotions for him. And its...a lot. Thank you this post packed with truth, insight and inspiration for shifting the script for the next generation of men.
Oh, that is such a good point! "The mom finds herself feeling her son's emotions for him." That is the crux of the emotional labor, isn't it? We feel it when they won't allow themselves to. Also explains generational trauma.
Isn't it funny how if society loudly sends the message that men are disposable and are a threat to everyone around them, they actually become that starting as boys? Go figure. Thank you, feminism.
Having raised a son in NYC with emotional challenges was a huge challenge for me and my wife. Thankfully, we got through it. But it was not easy. Your article nails it on many levels. Boys do cry, but sometimes we don’t hear them.
Yes. Very true. My son cries but only if he's behind his door and he won't let us in. Won't let us see him or tell us what's wrong. Glad you got through it.
Lol Tater Tots
Andrew Tate belongs in jail.
Summer, it sounds like you really have your head around all the boy stuff, and you are doing all that you can - that he’ll allow you in on - to steer him in good directions. I think you’ll succeed in making sure he gets everything he needs from his mom. He’s blessed to have you, and ultimately he’ll recognize that. I was the oldest of four, so on my own a lot while she was busy with my siblings, but she managed to instill core values and made sure I had good resources. Funny, I did all the sports stuff up through Jr. year in HS, then joined the “Theater Freaks” for my Sr. year, and that really helped me get out there socially just before leaving home for college and beyond.
That sounds like the perfect succession. Build your tribe with sports, etc., then theater right before turning out toward the world!
It worked for me. Hope all works out for your son.
Again, thank you Summer. Working alongside boys and young men in the care system and this resonates so powerfully. Tater tot (hilarious!!!) is troublingly influential here in the UK, too. Permission to share your essay in upcoming 'Men in Foster Care' sessions, please?
I would be honored! Thanks, John.
A lot to think about here Summer. I love that you're a middle school teacher, you're right in the thick of it. Enjoying your newsletter.
Thanks so much, Trish!
As always your words resonate deeply. Thanks Summer for your insights. Tater Tots indeed 🤣