The pic of you hauling all of the baggage on your back during the hike - *perfection*. 🙌
This essay reminded me of a conversation I had with someone a few years ago. We had just met, and they asked me, "How do you contribute?" To be fair, they were trying to be progressive and not ask the tired question of, "What do you do for a living?" But, the question caught me off-guard a bit. It felt like, "Justify your existence to me." We need to redefine "work", I think.
How do you contribute? Interesting question, lol! Mothering definitely falls under that, but that question feels cringe-worthy like you said, as if you need to account for your productivity. And yet, I can see how the asker was trying to be more inclusive with that question, so there's that!
Squizz, this is a response from Jodi, but she accidentally posted it below and not as a reply. So I'm reposting here so you can read :-)
From Jodi (it won't let me tag her here):
"Yeah. I am nearly 52 “you don’t look old enough to be 52!” And I am disabled “you don’t look disabled!”
Heart issues, so many vision issues, adhd, Complex PTSD… the list goes on and on. All hidden disabilities.
And I asked to be evaluated for autism. I have many characteristics of autism but not enough to be labeled that way.
I am tired. I want to just be me instead of having to justify myself all the time. I’m bumbling through life the best I can.
I am sorry you get flack for masking. I hate when I melt down and unmask because I am exhausted then get in trouble for it. As if I am a horrible person who needs to go to hell. People who don’t have to mask have no clue how hard it is to maintain a mask for so long. It’s utterly exhausting.
I look forward to the world hopefully becoming a nicer and more gentle place where people can be themselves and be creative and happy. Instead of ground down and pushed down and bullied and belittled and demeaned."
In a sane world, mothers would be compensated financially. It would be an amazing way to distribute wealth more equitably and recognize and value the unpaid work mothers do.
I know I will get in trouble for my comment, but where would that money come from in a sane world?
I am a mother of three. I quit my job to pursue my goal of writing full-time because my corporate life was killing me, and I accepted that no one would pay me if I stayed home. Still, I decided to do it the same way I chose NOT to do it when my children were born. The distribution of work at home is often self-imposed by women and not discussed with men. Finances can and should be addressed as well. Sometimes, one salary is insufficient, and both parents must work. Sometimes, parents don't want other people to raise their children, and that's a choice. A choice, well informed, is still a choice... so now the question is: who should pay for our choices?
Im glad it was a choice for you. It was and was not for me - no childcare, no Spanish positions available in my new town, & i did not choose to have a disabled child who needed more support. Regarding where $ cones from, govt subsidizes lots of things. Many govts subsidize childcare. Why not stay at home parents, too? But then its an argument about taxes and thats a whole notha ball of wax id rather not get into. Also, im glad to decided to pursue your dream of writing full time. Write on!
One of the reasons for me to quit was health-related ("If not now, when?"), so I fully understand the decision to "hop- off" the train and decide to take care of your family. There should be no regrets there, but the ambition to make each day the greatest. I live in The Netherlands, and here the government pays a small amount to mothers who stay at home, but on the other side, daycare is super expensive... and the maternity leave is much less than in other countries, and forces the mother to leave work one month before the kid is born... Claramente no hay un pais perfecto. Espero que todo salga bien con tu familia y que en medio del caos diaria consigas hacer cosas para ti tambien, como escribir... :)
I agree with everything you said Summer (and the commentors). I, as a working male, would happily contribute my taxes (up my taxes if needed) to allow Moms to hike and do quality things with their kids. Invaluable!! However, there’s a caveat to this: how do we get the Moms healthy enough to raise children. My wife teaches Special Ed and, being a teacher yourself of course you know this Summer, there are some really addicted messed up Moms. Giving them financial aid would be giving them another bag of dope. Now, I’m not going all conservative, rationalizing not helping people financialy (we know the drill) and of course the investment would pay off a generation or two down the road, I’m just pointing out the need to get Moms healthy in order to raise healthy children. I’m all in on all of it!!! 💪
You are a real inspiration to mothers and fathers alike, Summer!! Keep on keeping on!! 🙏
It's so true, and I have the stats somewhere (I just did a training on this), but Alaskans are something like twice or more likely to have kids with FAS. Of course, it seems like a socio-cultural, economic and generational issue, the factors that lead to this. Offering more options for treatment would be a good start. Even here in Juneau, it's really hard to get access to treatment. The few people I know lucky enough to get it were sent to private clinics down south and their parents had considerable money to invest in the treatment.
Summer, I wish I could give you a hug, if that doesn't sound too creepy! Realizing as I wrote that, it's basically counter to the message you have conveyed here. But you show up for your kids and for humanity, laying out the pure, unbleached truth! Wishing you so much more than just one day this year to be celebrated for being there! Be well!
I should clarify a little. This piece, which spoke volumes, makes a case to me for more than symbolic gestures to lift up motherhood and all of the work (important) that mothers are expected to joyfully assume. My expressed desire to give you a hug clearly seems symbolic and as I thought about it, hollow. Plus, receiving an offer of a hug from a male fan whom you don't know from 'Adam' could seem creepy to some 🤨. Now that I've over explained probably, thanks again for being a beacon and a bullhorn!📢
Dear Summer -- HAPPIEST MOTHER'S DAY!!! There's no arguing the truth of your statements here. The only question is: how do you get the Machine to agree?
Weirdly, if there's anything that feels like it might come to the rescue, it's the serious talk of Universal Basic Income gaining momentum in light of AI. If the literal Machines start displacing massive amounts of labor, while still getting "the job done" economically, as it were, then UBI might wind up on the table sooner than later. Which, I think, would be totally great.
On the other hand, we ALL might wind up massively fucked instead. Which wouldn't be nearly as great. But is also entirely possible.
A couple years back, I wrote a rare (for me) science fiction story called "Hopium Den", which takes the radically optimistic view that this might be a wonderful thing that works out. I think I'm gonna post it as my Mother's Day present to you, and all the other awesome mothers whose profound work raising awesome humans deserve their due.
Meanwhile, these pictures of you and your kids are priceless. as Maggie noted below. Carrying all the baggage, indeed. LOVE YOU!!! And thank you for embodying clear-eyed human coolness.
My eyes are in pain so I apologize I haven’t read your whole comment. But you mention The Machine.
And after reading this SubStack, it made me think of this: what if HALF of the earnings the working parent makes goes into a bank account for the other parent!
The two of them, then, work on budgeting and figuring out finances together.
This way, the stay at home parent’s support is valued equally to the other parent’s work.
Summer, I love your aggressive approach to the inequitable position of unpaid motherhood. It’s a great debate that requires serious consideration. I also admire how you’re dealing with it. From your stories, I get the impression your kids will grow up learning good social and civic skills. You show them a great example. I am not familiar with the types of challenges your daughter has, but I feel she’s in the perfect hands (yours). We don’t know how all the sex and race issues will resolve - equitably or not. You are a warrior. ☮️❤️
Maybe 1/2 the salary the dad makes needs to be given to the mom in HER OWN BANK ACCOUNT.
Thank you for this article!! It parallels my experience being with my kids (one special needs) and then being treated as if I have no value by their dad and lawyer when I wanted a divorce.
You know, I disagree with Doris Lessing entirely. I had a baby while doing my PhD (so I guess I was demonstrably intelligent), and I was fascinated by how my baby took in the world. Later, I was fascinated by his acquisition of language. I think there are many interesting things about child development.
But I had other outlets, too. And as Lessing’s life showed, maybe that was the real difficulty: having your entire identity subsumed by motherhood.
Beautifully said. And wildly relatable. That camping backpack photo says it all. I also have a neurodivergent child and another who is a wheelchair user. I work overtime.
Oh my gosh. Seriously. My heart goes out to you. How many times do people say “you’re a saint”? And you’re like “yeah that’s OK. I don’t really want Sainthood. Thanks. Maybe just some help?”
The pic of you hauling all of the baggage on your back during the hike - *perfection*. 🙌
This essay reminded me of a conversation I had with someone a few years ago. We had just met, and they asked me, "How do you contribute?" To be fair, they were trying to be progressive and not ask the tired question of, "What do you do for a living?" But, the question caught me off-guard a bit. It felt like, "Justify your existence to me." We need to redefine "work", I think.
How do you contribute? Interesting question, lol! Mothering definitely falls under that, but that question feels cringe-worthy like you said, as if you need to account for your productivity. And yet, I can see how the asker was trying to be more inclusive with that question, so there's that!
Yes, it was well-intentioned. It just landed wrong. Live and learn! 🤷♀️
I like to ask: “what do you do for fun?”
Because I don’t care what people do for a living. “I am an accountant.” Me: that’s nice, dear. 😆
My answer is usually, "I'm autistic and gainfully unemployed at the moment."
"How long have you been unemployed?"
"Three years."
*person makes negative face*
"How is that possible?"
"I'm autistic, we're 4x as likely to be unemployed and stay unemployed."
"YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE AUTISTIC! YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!"
"This is why we're usually unemployed, we seem to "not be autistic" until someone finds us out, and complains about it."
".........."
"Welcome to being autistic, where no-one wants to work with you unless you hide it."
Happy Mother's Day, Summer :)
Squizz, this is a response from Jodi, but she accidentally posted it below and not as a reply. So I'm reposting here so you can read :-)
From Jodi (it won't let me tag her here):
"Yeah. I am nearly 52 “you don’t look old enough to be 52!” And I am disabled “you don’t look disabled!”
Heart issues, so many vision issues, adhd, Complex PTSD… the list goes on and on. All hidden disabilities.
And I asked to be evaluated for autism. I have many characteristics of autism but not enough to be labeled that way.
I am tired. I want to just be me instead of having to justify myself all the time. I’m bumbling through life the best I can.
I am sorry you get flack for masking. I hate when I melt down and unmask because I am exhausted then get in trouble for it. As if I am a horrible person who needs to go to hell. People who don’t have to mask have no clue how hard it is to maintain a mask for so long. It’s utterly exhausting.
I look forward to the world hopefully becoming a nicer and more gentle place where people can be themselves and be creative and happy. Instead of ground down and pushed down and bullied and belittled and demeaned."
Yes, all this. <3
Yeah, your question would have been a better icebreaker. 😅
I love that question!
In a sane world, mothers would be compensated financially. It would be an amazing way to distribute wealth more equitably and recognize and value the unpaid work mothers do.
Yes! and imagine how communities would flourish!
Exactly!
I know I will get in trouble for my comment, but where would that money come from in a sane world?
I am a mother of three. I quit my job to pursue my goal of writing full-time because my corporate life was killing me, and I accepted that no one would pay me if I stayed home. Still, I decided to do it the same way I chose NOT to do it when my children were born. The distribution of work at home is often self-imposed by women and not discussed with men. Finances can and should be addressed as well. Sometimes, one salary is insufficient, and both parents must work. Sometimes, parents don't want other people to raise their children, and that's a choice. A choice, well informed, is still a choice... so now the question is: who should pay for our choices?
Im glad it was a choice for you. It was and was not for me - no childcare, no Spanish positions available in my new town, & i did not choose to have a disabled child who needed more support. Regarding where $ cones from, govt subsidizes lots of things. Many govts subsidize childcare. Why not stay at home parents, too? But then its an argument about taxes and thats a whole notha ball of wax id rather not get into. Also, im glad to decided to pursue your dream of writing full time. Write on!
One of the reasons for me to quit was health-related ("If not now, when?"), so I fully understand the decision to "hop- off" the train and decide to take care of your family. There should be no regrets there, but the ambition to make each day the greatest. I live in The Netherlands, and here the government pays a small amount to mothers who stay at home, but on the other side, daycare is super expensive... and the maternity leave is much less than in other countries, and forces the mother to leave work one month before the kid is born... Claramente no hay un pais perfecto. Espero que todo salga bien con tu familia y que en medio del caos diaria consigas hacer cosas para ti tambien, como escribir... :)
Igualmente para ti y la tuya :-)
Verdad, no hay un shangrila. Aunque Norway me parece bien, pero como dicen aqui "the grass is always greener on the other side." jaja
Happy Mother’s Day Summer! 💐
Thanks so much, Gerry!
When my husband, a statistician, asked me, How can we get women to want to make more babies, I said, Pay us, and give us superior pensions. Simple!
Right?!
Summer Koester: Beautiful, fun kids, and a loving, nurturing Mom, who has a real gift with the pen and who has a deep, artistic spirit.
Your loved ones are very lucky!
Thanks so much, Armand <3
Yep, yep, and .....yep I'll drop one of my limit of two subscribed newsletters and switch to yours!
Thanks for speaking truth to harsh realities. And hope you get a break on Mother's Day.
Only two subscribed newsletters? How do you do that?!
Thanks so much, Katie! and happy Mother's Day to you! Xo
I should’ve clarified that. Paid subscriptions. Happy Mother’s Day!
Awww thank you so much!!!!!
I agree with everything you said Summer (and the commentors). I, as a working male, would happily contribute my taxes (up my taxes if needed) to allow Moms to hike and do quality things with their kids. Invaluable!! However, there’s a caveat to this: how do we get the Moms healthy enough to raise children. My wife teaches Special Ed and, being a teacher yourself of course you know this Summer, there are some really addicted messed up Moms. Giving them financial aid would be giving them another bag of dope. Now, I’m not going all conservative, rationalizing not helping people financialy (we know the drill) and of course the investment would pay off a generation or two down the road, I’m just pointing out the need to get Moms healthy in order to raise healthy children. I’m all in on all of it!!! 💪
You are a real inspiration to mothers and fathers alike, Summer!! Keep on keeping on!! 🙏
It's so true, and I have the stats somewhere (I just did a training on this), but Alaskans are something like twice or more likely to have kids with FAS. Of course, it seems like a socio-cultural, economic and generational issue, the factors that lead to this. Offering more options for treatment would be a good start. Even here in Juneau, it's really hard to get access to treatment. The few people I know lucky enough to get it were sent to private clinics down south and their parents had considerable money to invest in the treatment.
Summer, I wish I could give you a hug, if that doesn't sound too creepy! Realizing as I wrote that, it's basically counter to the message you have conveyed here. But you show up for your kids and for humanity, laying out the pure, unbleached truth! Wishing you so much more than just one day this year to be celebrated for being there! Be well!
Not creepy at all! And I'm sorry if my piece somehow conveyed that!
I should clarify a little. This piece, which spoke volumes, makes a case to me for more than symbolic gestures to lift up motherhood and all of the work (important) that mothers are expected to joyfully assume. My expressed desire to give you a hug clearly seems symbolic and as I thought about it, hollow. Plus, receiving an offer of a hug from a male fan whom you don't know from 'Adam' could seem creepy to some 🤨. Now that I've over explained probably, thanks again for being a beacon and a bullhorn!📢
Haha! Thanks for explaining. A real and metaphorical hug to you, regardless! Thank you
Dear Summer -- HAPPIEST MOTHER'S DAY!!! There's no arguing the truth of your statements here. The only question is: how do you get the Machine to agree?
Weirdly, if there's anything that feels like it might come to the rescue, it's the serious talk of Universal Basic Income gaining momentum in light of AI. If the literal Machines start displacing massive amounts of labor, while still getting "the job done" economically, as it were, then UBI might wind up on the table sooner than later. Which, I think, would be totally great.
On the other hand, we ALL might wind up massively fucked instead. Which wouldn't be nearly as great. But is also entirely possible.
A couple years back, I wrote a rare (for me) science fiction story called "Hopium Den", which takes the radically optimistic view that this might be a wonderful thing that works out. I think I'm gonna post it as my Mother's Day present to you, and all the other awesome mothers whose profound work raising awesome humans deserve their due.
Meanwhile, these pictures of you and your kids are priceless. as Maggie noted below. Carrying all the baggage, indeed. LOVE YOU!!! And thank you for embodying clear-eyed human coolness.
Yer pal in the trenches,
Skipp
The UBI is a great idea & thanks for bringing that up! Silver lining with the whole AI thing!
My eyes are in pain so I apologize I haven’t read your whole comment. But you mention The Machine.
And after reading this SubStack, it made me think of this: what if HALF of the earnings the working parent makes goes into a bank account for the other parent!
The two of them, then, work on budgeting and figuring out finances together.
This way, the stay at home parent’s support is valued equally to the other parent’s work.
Good point. It's all about attributing value - read: capital.
Please post that story, Skipp! I would love to discover the Hopium Den. Such a great title.
HERE YA GO! And I also hyped Summer and the Feral Stack at large, as well as pinpointing this piece! HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!!!
https://johnskipp.substack.com/p/hopium-den
Oh my gosh, Skipp! I'm at a loss for words!
Awesome! Thanks for posting.
I’d also want more help from my husband as I’m sure many married-to-men women out there want!
SERIOUSLY
Summer, I love your aggressive approach to the inequitable position of unpaid motherhood. It’s a great debate that requires serious consideration. I also admire how you’re dealing with it. From your stories, I get the impression your kids will grow up learning good social and civic skills. You show them a great example. I am not familiar with the types of challenges your daughter has, but I feel she’s in the perfect hands (yours). We don’t know how all the sex and race issues will resolve - equitably or not. You are a warrior. ☮️❤️
Thanks so much, James. Your words feel like the best mother's day hug! :-)
Your words resonate so much with my own experience! Thank you 😊
Awesome. Thanks for letting me know! Happy mother's day!
Maybe 1/2 the salary the dad makes needs to be given to the mom in HER OWN BANK ACCOUNT.
Thank you for this article!! It parallels my experience being with my kids (one special needs) and then being treated as if I have no value by their dad and lawyer when I wanted a divorce.
Exhausting. I am so tired
Oh man, that is so relatable. How many times my husband has said "But I WORKED all day." And "I take care of you." Blech!
excellent excellent excellent excellent excellent
Thank you, Angelica!
You know, I disagree with Doris Lessing entirely. I had a baby while doing my PhD (so I guess I was demonstrably intelligent), and I was fascinated by how my baby took in the world. Later, I was fascinated by his acquisition of language. I think there are many interesting things about child development.
But I had other outlets, too. And as Lessing’s life showed, maybe that was the real difficulty: having your entire identity subsumed by motherhood.
Right. I’m sure it was different back in those days. And kudos to you for pulling it off getting your PhD while having a baby. Wow!
Beautifully said. And wildly relatable. That camping backpack photo says it all. I also have a neurodivergent child and another who is a wheelchair user. I work overtime.
Oh my gosh. Seriously. My heart goes out to you. How many times do people say “you’re a saint”? And you’re like “yeah that’s OK. I don’t really want Sainthood. Thanks. Maybe just some help?”
Exactly. 💗