176 Comments

Thank you for this fantastic post. When I used to teach an undergrad intro to Philosophy course, I included Crystal Eastman's "Now We Can Begin," where she discusses men's "privilege of helplessness" and "cultivated ignorance" when it come to doing simple things that any independent person should be able to do (i.e. cooking, laundry, dressing themselves). Some male students would shrug it off and chuckle until I asked the entire class (rhetorically) if their fathers knew how to cook or work the washing machine; it got uncomfortable when I said "Everyone in this room -- women included -- considers themselves independent, but how many of you actually know how to do your own laundry, or can cook beyond boiling water or using the microwave. How independent are you, actually?" It created an "in" to discuss patriarchy without everyone getting defensive.

Thanks again!

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Wow! I am so impressed! Thank you, as a strong feminist and mother of three sons (all of whom are also feminists).

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Thank you! And good job, Mom, for raising three male feminists! I’m working on raising my son & daughter to be, too. 💕

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Awesome

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Jan 29·edited Jan 29Liked by Summer Koester

As a male who never joined the men's club, I've been a kind of embedded observer among men for my entire life, and what you say is largely true, and often sad, because men with a certain degree of intelligence know it's a facade even as they participate in it. Talking in dehumanizing terms about women, but they've got wives who they love, and daughters they adore. It splits their minds into compartmentalization. I've heard men talk about their wives' small breast size with a downcast tone, and the talk is for the sake of this fake male ethos. Then Trump is caught boasting about his narcissistic aberrant behavior and gets elected President anyway, which was incomprehensible, but this is where we are. So E. Jean Carroll is a big thing, but only for those who pay attention. Those male minds that are OK with what Trump said still will be. A good spokesperson for men would be a refreshing thing - I wish George Clooney would run for president. One point - Alaska, Wyoming, and Montana are also isolated, economically challenged, very cold states, conditions which lead to depression, alcohol abuse and suicide. And there are guns everywhere. So there are likely many other factors involved in the suicide numbers.

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Hey William. I agree with everything you said except Alaska being “economically challenged”. Our Gov. Dumb-levy would say that too as he cuts education budgets, except ummm...oil, natural gas, commercial fishing, mining, logging, huge tourism, air cargo hub....yeah, not exactly economically challenged. Now spiritually challenged? Big ‘Yes’ on that!!!

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LOL. And yet, regarding spirituality, Alaskans are finally beginning to embrace and integrate more Alaskan Native traditions, including in the school systems. Many Alaskans are finally realizing that Indigenous traditional ways benefit all and counter the toxicity of rugged individualist values - for example, community orientation, take only what you need, respect for self, others, and environment, "it takes a village," etc.

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Absolutely!!! I believe invoking the dormant indigenous values that were assimilated in our ‘domination’ colonization, will be our only path out of this. Those values are in the collective unconscious of this nation. I only hope they get activated soon!!!

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💯 they’re alive & well in Juneau! Starting to see something of a revitalization. As a teacher in the public school system, I & hundreds of others are being trained in decolonization educational practices. So important for our Native youth but really, they benefit everyone!

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Not coming from Alaska, I stand corrected. I've heard of high poverty rates in Alaska, 11%, that's what I was referring to.

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Hi William. Oh, there is poverty in the bush. Some native towns like Hooper Bay are rough but yet others (with oil leases) are wealthy. Rural Alaska is all across the economic spectrum. I was referring to Alaska as a whole when talking economics. We’ve got resources....for now.

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what i find so sad is the women who support the patriarchy based on religious indoctrination or cultural beliefs. and if one says they want to disband the patriarchy, one is accused of "hating men." not true. as you state so eloquently, the patriarchy is damaging to men as well as all other genders. time for it go. thank you for your post.

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Hell yeah Summer!!! Call the ‘bro’s’ out!! I worked up in the oil patch for 12 years with ‘the bro’s’ and almost killed myself with alcohol. It was horrible. Fist bumping, chest thumping....oh, and the associated dominating, lining people out, belittling, condescension, brow beating, “back in my day”’ing, “I’ve got 35 years experience!!”’ing, dick size inuendo’ing, porn sharing, outdoing, outbuying, voice raising....male communitas!! In all seriousness....it’s literally killing everything!! Men will out-do each other to oblivion. Trust me on that!!!

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Wonderful piece. You are absolutely right. The patriarchy does kill men. The rejection of The Divine Feminine and of Love and Acceptance kills men through shame and guilt and anger. It kills all of us. I felt discomfort and misalignment with my soul for years. Only now realizing the error of these ways.

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The psychologist Jung has said it would be good for all men to wear a dress, and be very feminine for at least a period in their life. To explore the feminine means getting a better view of its complement. Because both need to be in each of us. Finding the right blend is the task. Not becoming as feminine or masculine as possible. Same is true for societies structures. If we were to switch to matriarchy and suppress the patriarchal ways, this would result in a different kind of horror.

There are so many victims of the lopsided way. Yes, women are a huge part of that, and it extends to almost all minorities. Anything not aligning with the patriarch is being hurt, damaged, made dysfunctional, kicked out, cut and hammered to fit. So yes, men are hurt too by this system.

Hey Summer, what is a good man to you? How does he behave, how should he be in the world? And how could he get there.....Would love to read more posts on that....

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Great question Bertus, something I’d love for all of us to explore! Historically, I’ve always gone for men with lots of testosterone, because I was born with heaps of estrogen that was encouraged by my bourgeoisie California liberal mother, with whom I had a close relationship. Also, being Neurodiverse and hypersensitive.

Did not align with the masculine ways of Alaska. Here, women are suited to have more testosterone. It’s just the way. Women like me, historically & growing up, were considered weak in AK so I always tried to cultivate that masculine in me without much avail. Which is why I eventually started bellydancing, because it allowed me to embrace my inner feminine divinity without self judgment. Back in that day, everyone worshiped a female God. Society was matriarchal. How much of a utopia I’m not sure... no indoor plumbing 😂

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Of course, that does not answer your question. But we should ask that question and explore it. Great question. Same question could be posed: what is the ideal woman?

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Hah, Ideal woman...as a writer I prefer the female perspective, and with some of the woman characters the ideal is peaking through...but in real life?

A woman who is not afraid of men, comfortable with her body and acts physical, gives substantial pushback (and not just disagrees from polarity), is not in competition with me, or manipulative. A good curves....

I love women, like adore them in many varieties, but I have lived a one woman life, thirty years plus with the same partner here. On the other hand I have always had women friends more easy than men. Men offer such shallow relationships overall. The best ones are gay. I have seldom met a guy, that is masculine and open to vulnerable friendship. Like there are almost no fully developed men, no role models for being a full father. I have got two adult daughters and a teenage son but had great difficulty finding how to be a good dad.

Thank you for being so open Summer, gave me the chance to do the same....glad I found you Substack....

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The ideal woman is one who is authentically herself

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YASSSS

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Ah yes....Jung and the anima (female entity in men) and animus (male in women). I’ve done extensive work to connect with the anima..succesfully I might add. It has nothing at all to do with clothing, sex or anything like that (what the patriarchy would have us believe). It has everything to do with compassion, creativity, nurturing, relationship, community....all the real things associated with ‘femaleness’. You know, like the stuff that holds societies in harmony....

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Bertus, there's an author named Lewis Nordan, and he wrote a short story called The All Girl Football Team. The premise is, one game a year, the high school girls and boys switch roles and the girls play football and the boys are the cheerleaders. It's a very unusual, odd story, but it's about this Jungian idea of experiencing the feminine. Philosopher psychedelics proponent Terrance McKenna cites patriarchy as having developed when psychedelics became scarce in prehistory, in Europe, paganism or nature religions and the shaman disappeared and the natural respect for the feminine became replaced by authoritarian order, which came out of male rule, sexual dominance and alcohol as the primary components.

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Wouldn’t surprise me if this is also when religion became dominated by one singular male God

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i read once that in some culture , (maybe Hindu,) that after child bearing, in their forty's or fifty's , men would volunteer castration, because they no longer needed to compete with men and they were able then to prepare for enlightenment

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Wow! 😳

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Heart button smashed! Great post and weird AI generated art. Like your three boobs!

I have two college age sons and fo sure the patriarchy hurts men. One of my guys is short, scrawny and quirky. Sometimes I think he’s very much an outside observer on “normative“ male behavior, and I wonder what impact that has on him.

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Just read the second part of your note. Yeah I hear you, sis! My son is also on the smaller side. There’s only so much chest thumping a guy can take especially when he’s not the biggest loudest, winner, winner, chicken dinner.

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Haha! Thank u! Isn’t that weird?! Why did they give me three boobs! But it’s Picasso, so I guess I should be honored… ?

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Great post. Patriarchy is necrotic and dead on arrival. I am curious what happens next. On edge of my wobbly unsturdy seat.

In solidarity. 💫

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Haha! Well put. Insert Jon Stewart eating popcorn gif! 💕

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Yes! I love that gif and his upcoming return.

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Same!

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the philosophy for a new millennium is a maternal system that engages men and boys in childcare and sets the social priority for justice.

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A little while ago I published a post in “traditional masculinity” in response to a a Washington Post column. Here it is: https://open.substack.com/pub/danehrenkrantz/p/right-and-left-get-traditional-masculinity?r=eqk6z&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

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"[The] Bible’s vision of ideal masculinity looks a lot like John Wayne: a provider and protector who is rugged, assertive, independent, physically intimidating, and emotionally stoic." I like how you refer to the Bible to understand what many men on the conservative right look to, and how ironic that, as you point out, so many view traditional Hollywood cowboy archetypes as ideal manhood. The other problem with the cowboy/superhero archetype that is hurting men: individualism and self-sufficiency. Great article!

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Dears, Summer/Joe-Kwame,

it is another proof to me,.. accept individual failure, daily change and focal need to serve others.

Neglect indivídualism to the benefit of team made refinement. Intellectual advancement created by women in absence of hormonic male detriment.

10.000 years back we were dominated by matriarchy to our benefit.

Abolish quantum give way to to sublime female control.

Joe-Kwame

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And thank you.

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Me. Agree. Totally.

(Male. London.)🙏🏻🧘🏻‍♀️🌌

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<3

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Amen.

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Any ;archy; is bad. Any ;ism; is very bad.

Collective movements lead to easy control by the humanity designers or Egragores that infect the now A,i driven world. Self reflection is something eveyrone runs from looking for a movement or a mask to hide away from.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhei72suGMs&t=54s

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Jan 30Liked by Summer Koester

I love that insightful posts like this are becoming more and more prevalent, helping younger generations (like my teen daughter) recognize toxic behavior and giving them the strength to call it out. P.S. Excellent use of AI images -- not a phrase I’ve said before.

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Haha! Thanks, Emily 💕 I wish I knew the signs of toxic mail behavior in my teens and 20s :-)

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Feb 13Liked by Summer Koester

Yes, women can abuse others...women and men. There is no argument. Speaking from personal experience, knowing a few people who’ve experienced your specific trauma represents an anecdotal assumption at best. Below are the stats

Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

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😞 😞 😞

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Feb 2Liked by Summer Koester

Patriarchy is so harming that even gay men fall into the trap and gas-light their same sex couples!!

I have suffered it for many years! Go to your true self and escape patriarchy rules.

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Amen brother! & Sorry to hear that has also happened to you and is so widespread pretty much everywhere. I’m trying to think of a modern culture where patriarchy does not exist. 🤔 Let me know if you find one! Lol.

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Try Kerala, South India....

🙏🏻🙏🏻🧘🏻‍♀️🌌

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What do you think that matriarchy would do instead?? Do you really thing women are angels??? So naïve...

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Please, no name calling. Shuts down healthy debate. There have existed matriarchies ... see many Indigenous traditions. Many thriving cultures are still matriarchal and matrifocal.

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You started pointing out men. Well, "patriarchy" theory points out men. And That´s not healthy. And many women here have male sons... it makes them feel like they´re "guilty" for being born "male"... I don´t mean to shut down the debate, really. Just want to continue the reasoning of the idea of "patriarchy".

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Patriarchy is a system historically designed by men. Women just recently were allowed to have credit cards in this country, only got the vote around turn of century. Those ways carry through in the culture even tho we have more rights. Women and men uphold the sytem of patriarchy, just as white ppl and even BIPOC can uphold systems of colonization and racism. It's not about feeling guilty for being white, it's about changing systems that will BENEFIT EVERYONE. Patriarchy harms men just as colonization harms white people.

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Y yo que pensaba que vivía bien.... Gracias por contestar. Buen día a todos. :)

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Since Cleopatra... Since when? Elizabeth the Virgin Queen? Patriarcal Margaret Thatcher? Hmmm.... Joan of Arc? En resumen, no entiendo la teoría del "pariarcado" white supremacy. What´s that? Wont you talk about other cultures? Nobody dares to reply from sipping tea and talking about how hard it is to be a woman nowadays... really don´t want to be so harsh. But it´s easy talk abou the white evil and.... never been to Tunis and beyond?... no white supremacy there... It´s a debate, right?

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And yes, defiendo a los hombre. Mi padre fue un buen hombre. Mi novio es un buen hombre. My male friends. El reduccionismo es peligroso. And men, you should defend your side...ok.

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What rights are you fighting for that you don´t have? Really want to know. In USA. In Spain. Where you live. En Occidente.

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From: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/common-examples-how-patriarchy-shows-up-our-lives-lets-maddie-graham/

Society often assigns men the role of primary breadwinners, expecting them to be financially successful and responsible for their families' well-being. However, when men face challenges such as illness or financial difficulties that impede their ability to meet these expectations, they can feel displaced and struggle with their identity and self-worth. The pressure to conform to societal ideals of masculinity and the fear of being seen as "less of a man" further perpetuate harmful gender norms and inhibit men from seeking help or expressing vulnerability.

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This keeps glitching, I have to keep rewriting it, ugh! Also women are expected to be catch all with kids and house work. Women put in more hours of housework than men, and this is all backed up with research and data.

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Mar 13Liked by Summer Koester

Don’t take more time. She speaks from

Beliefs not from facts and using emotional arguments, not rational. No way to have a debate

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Good question! It's better now, for sure, but still we have a ways to go. Female bodily autonomy (abortion rights) was recently overturned, reducing women to second class citizens. Male violence against women is still a problem. Women are still paid less than men for doing same work.

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Nobody thinks that. Or should not.

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Had a conversation not long ago with a man I consider to be pretty darn evolved. I'd had an experience with a male contractor who treated me as though I were not quite human. I said this to the evolved man, who replied, "That can't be true." My response to him: "You can't tell me how I feel." What I should have added is, "I call gaslighting."

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Feb 1Liked by Summer Koester

i totally agree, i don't understand how men are so okay being reduced to their sexuality/"masculinity". there is no pride in submitting to violent, aggressive, and emotionless stereotypes. men should be encouraged to explore every facet of their identity; patriarchy prevents this and in turn harms women to an unacceptable degree.

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100%! Thank you for your comment!

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